Love To Sell Cobain’s Belongings
Courtney Love plans to auction off most of Kurt Cobain’s belongings, in an effort to keep up with the price of heroin. Sadly, the shotgun used in Cobain’s death won’t be up for auction, since it didn’t belong to the deceased rock star but rather the hit man hired by Love.
Britney’s Comeback Concert Canceled
According to sources, Britney Spears has postponed what would’ve been a surprise comeback concert at a downtown Los Angeles nightclub this past Wednesday. When asked why the concert had been put on hold, Spears’ representatives indicated that the vocal tracks the singer was scheduled to lip-sync to had not yet been recorded.
Rosie To Be Replaced By Roseanne?
According to sources, Roseanne Barr is the leading candidate to replace Rosie O’Donnell next year on The View. Insiders claims that producer Barbara Walters has been seeking someone capable of maintaining the blubber to blabber ratio introduced by O’Donnell and Roseanne would certainly fit the bill.
Family Guy To Pay Tribute To Star Wars
Family Guy creator Seth MacFarlane plans to pay tribute to the Star Wars saga this fall, with a one hour Family Guy episode devoted to the science fiction classic. The episode is expected to feature 2 minutes of actual storylines related to Star Wars and 58 minutes of references that have nothing to do with the plot.
Richard Gere Faces Arrest In India
Arrests warrants have been issued for actors Richard Gere and Shilpa Shetty on Thursday after their kiss at a public event in India was deemed to “have transgressed all limits of vulgarity,” by Indian authorities. According to friends, when informed of the news, Gere looked like a gerbil had crawled up his ass.
Hillary Clinton’s Outfit Raises Eyebrows
Newly released photographs show presidential candidate Hillary Clinton sporting an outfit that could be described by some as “questionable”. In Clinton’s defense, the outfit was meant to highlight her education policy and featured a stop sign and flashing lights on the back.
Rosie O’Donnell To Leave The View
Rosie O’Donnell plans to leave The View in mid-June, just nine months after taking over co-hosting duties. Executive producer Barbara Walters admitted on Wednesday that O’Donnell had not been able to adapt to her new environment, forcing handlers to consider releasing her into the wild this summer.
Heather Mills Eliminated From Dancing With The Stars
Heather Mills, ex-wife of Beatle Paul McCartney, was knocked out of the Dancing with the Stars reality competition on Tuesday. While Mills put on a brave face after being booted from the show, sources close to the star insist that she the was hopping mad following her elimination.
Mark Prior Has Surgery
Following exploratory surgery on Tuesday, oft-injured Cubs pitcher Mark Prior was cleared to resume playing in 2 weeks. Just kidding, he’s out for the season. Again.
Mel B. Names Baby After Eddie Murphy
Former Spice Girl Melanie Brown has named her baby Angel Iris Murphy Brown, in reference to Eddie Murphy, the alleged father of the child. Industry analysts claim the singer has killed two birds with one stone by ensuring that young Angel will forever be reminded that her alleged father is a deadbeat dad and that her mother is a whore.
Mourners Pay Tribute To Yeltsin
Hundreds of mourners paid tribute to former Russian President Boris Yeltsin Tuesday. According to reports, some mourners chose to bring flowers with them while others decided on a more fitting tribute to Yelstin by pouring vodka on the ground for their homie.
Prior To Have Surgery
Cubs pitcher Mark Prior is scheduled to have exploratory surgery today in an effort to discover bones or muscles in his body that he hasn’t injured yet.
Keith Richards’ Mother Dies
The mother of Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards died Saturday. She was 91. Richards is said to have spent the past few weeks at her bedside, which would mark the longest time the guitarist has waited for his drugs to be ready.
Offensive Words To Be Removed From Songs?
Hip-Hop icon Russell Simmons wants to eliminate offensive words such as ‘bitch’, ‘ho’ and ‘nigger’ from songs by having the music industry delete them on recordings. As a result, gangsta rap songs are expected to be shortened to an average length of 12 seconds.
The Shield Stars Threatened By Gang
Actor Michael Chiklis admitted this week that the cast and crew of The Shield were chased off a set in L.A. by gang members, after failing the pay the gang’s leader. In a brave attempt to save face, Chiklis reportedly tried to protest the eviction notice but could not be seen over the fire hydrant that he was standing behind.
Boris Yeltsin, 1931-2007
Former Russian President Boris Yeltsin died Monday at the age of 76. Yeltsin, a notorious alcoholic, will be quickly buried this week, instead of receiving the customary presidential funeral process, because of fears that he might be flammable.
Bush Gives Gonzales Vote Of Confidence
In a devastating turn of events, President Bush gave Attorney General Alberto Gonzales the kiss of death, otherwise known as a strong vote of confidence. If the past is any indication, Gonzales is expected to join Brownie and Rummy at the unemployment office any day now.
Vermont Senate Calls For Bush To Be Impeached
Vermont senators called for the impeachement of President George W. Bush, or as one observer put it, “just a regular Friday in Vermont.”
NBC Criticized Over Gunman Footage
NBC News spent Thursday morning reacting to criticism that it had exploited the Virginia Tech tragedy, in an attempt to bolster ratings, by showing footage of killer Cho Seung-Hui. Among the critics are several family members of victims who reportedly pulled out of scheduled interviews with NBC following the network’s decision to air footage sent to them by the shooter. In a statement released today, NBC news claimed that it had “covered this story, and our unique role in it, with extreme sensitivity.” In related news, tune in to NBC News tonight for a tour of Cho Seung-Hui’s MySpace page and a dramatic reading of his recent instant messenger communications.
Britney Shows Off Her New Body
Pop star Britney Spears displayed her new slimmer figure for photographers yesterday, while leaving the Millennium Dance Complex in Hollywood, proving that not only has she been practicing her dance moves but she has also been mastering the art of regurgitation.
