Kobe Bryant Asks For A Trade
Kobe Bryant requested on Wednesday to be traded from the Los Angeles Lakers, after calling the team’s management a mess. Ironically, Bryant is responsible for the Lakers’ downfall after forcing management to trade Shaquille O’Neal. Lakers fans sure must feel like they’ve been raped by Kobe today. It wouldn’t be his first time, allegedly.
A-Rod Caught With Mystery Woman
Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez was photographed with a mystery woman in Toronto last night. According to reports, both Rodriguez and the woman we seen going up to the outfielder’s room in a Toronto hotel for the night, leading to speculation that A-Rod is cheating on longtime flame Derek Jeter.
Britney Carried Out Of Hotel Covered In Vomit
Britney Spears reportedly spent Sunday night throwing up into a toilet bowl of the men’s washroom of Mondrian Hotel’s Sky Bar before being carried out covered in vomit by her bodyguard. If you’re counting, that’s another ringing endorsement for the Promises Treatment Center, following Lindsay Lohan’s debacle over the weekend.
On a side note, we’ve decided to stop referring to Spears as “pop star Britney Spears,” which we were using in previous Britney posts, to go with the more appropriate “train wreck Britney Spears” instead for future posts.
Hasselbeck Communicating With O’Donnell
On Tuesday’s episode of The View, Elisabeth Hasselbeck informed viewers that she has been communicating with Rosie O’Donnell since last week’s on-air spat. Hasselbeck did not however reveal whether she had emailed O’Donnell, talked to her on the phone or played fetch with her after walking her in the park.
Hookahs As Toxic As Cigarettes
The WHO announced on Tuesday that smoking hookahs poses the same risk as smoking cigarettes, in that both will make you to die before you get old.
Climbers Remove Trash From Mount Everest
Climbers from Japan and Nepal removed about 1,000 lbs of garbage littered on Mount Everest. There’s no word yet on when the climbers themselves are to be removed from the mountain.
Sony Develops Paper-Thin TV Screen
Sony has released a video showing off its new full-color paper-thin display. In a move reminiscent of the PS3’s marketing, Sony’s 0.01 inch thick bendable screen is expected to go on sale with a price tag of a billion dollars despite having no shows encoded for it.
Ashley Judd Wins Indy 500
Actress Ashley Judd captured the checkered flag at the rain-shortened Indy 500 yesterday. On second thought, some guy named Franchitti might’ve won but we’re not sure since ABC’s cameras spent most of Sunday afternoon focused on Judd.
Michael Vick: A Dogfighting Heavyweight
It was revealed on Sunday that Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick is a heavyweight in the illegal sport of dogfighting. Unfortunately for Falcons fans, Vick is still a mediocre middleweight in the legal sport of professional football.
Lohan Loses Sponsor After Arrest
Svedka vodka has pulled out of sponsoring Lindsay Lohan’s 21st birthday party after the actress was arrested for driving under the influence this past weekend, after crashing her car. Fortunately for Lohan, Cocaine Energy Drink stepped in as a replacement after a usable amount of the drug was found at the scene of the crash.
Wolfowitz Blames Media For Exit From World Bank
Paul Wolfowitz recently blamed the media for forcing him to resign from his post as World Bank president, after giving his girlfriend a controversial raise. In related news, Wolfowitz has scheduled a noon news conference to blame the media for the deteriorating situation in Iraq.
Another Cincinnati Bengals Player Arrested
Cincinnati Bengals linebacker A.J. Nicholson was arrested Friday on a domestic violence charge, which means that Bengals players are already hard at work, during mini-camp, practicing ways to wind up behind bars. This latest arrest signals a renewed commitment by the Bengals to surpass last season’s record 9 arrests and once again lead the league in the all-important collars per game category.
Pamela Anderson Booed By Paparazzi
Actress Pamela Anderson was booed by paparazzi at the Cannes film festival, after showing up late and posing for just a few photos before leaving. In related news, Tara Reid was heckled by the press at the famed festival for showing up and refusing to leave, even though nobody wanted to take her picture.
Madonna Writes Song For Live Earth
Madonna has written a song called “Hey You” for the Live Earth campaign and will perform it, presumably with fake British accent out in force, at London’s Live Earth concert in July. MSN plans to donate 25 cents, for each of the four people who’ll download the song on its website, to the Alliance for Climate Protection.
Paris Hilton To Spend 23 days in Special Needs Prison
Paris Hilton’s jail sentence has been shortened from 45 to 23 days for good behavior. Hilton will be kept away from regular inmates and will do her time in the special needs housing unit at the Century Regional Detention Center, in an effort to minimize the exposure of the general prison population to her STD rainbow.
Olsen Twins To Be Next Bond Girls?
Twins Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen are in talks to be the next Bond Girls. In order to differentiate them from more notable Bond Girls like Ursula Andress, producers will have the twins show off their ability to disappear completely when turning sideways. Unfortunately, the Olsens have nixed the idea of showing audiences how they snort cocaine off toilet seat covers.
R. Kelly Calls Himself Greatest Black Man Alive
In a recent interview, singer R. Kelly likened himself to Martin Luther King and Muhammad Ali and followed that up by calling himself the most important black man alive in his field today. Whether R. Kelly was referring to the field of scatology or pedophilia remains unclear.
24 Extended For Two More Seasons
Fox’s “24″ has been renewed for two more seasons or more precisely two frantic days during which Jack Bauer has to deal with moles in CTU, moles in the White House, U.S. presidents being assassinated, nuclear explosions, a healthy dose of torture and really bad things happening with less than a minute left in every single hour of the day.
Stallone Pleads Guilty To Drug Charge
Actor Sylvester Stallone pleaded guilty Tuesday to charges of importing a banned human growth hormone into Australia. Stallone will be sentenced next week, but not before facing additional charges this week on the unrelated matter of importing “Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot” into Australia.
Bush Picks War Czar
President Bush has selected Lt. Gen. Douglas Lute to be the administration’s war czar, or person to oversee all military operations in Iraq and Afghanistan, or person to be blamed when military operations in Iraq and Afghanistan fail. Sadly, Lute will not wear one of those Russian fur hats, although he is expected to start drinking heavily pretty soon.
