Talent Agency Cuts Ties With Britney Spears
In much the same way as she’s used to dropping her sons on the ground, Britney Spears has been dropped by her management company The Firm, just one month after hiring them. Luckily, Britney has put on a few pounds in recent months to cushion the fall.
Britney Loses Custody Of Children
Reports indicate that Britney Spears has temporarily lost custody of her children to ex-husband Kevin Federline which means young Preston and Jayden James finally have someone with their own mental age to play with.
K-Fed Knocks Up Shar Jackson, Again
With seemingly nothing else to do, Kevin Federline is back to supplying the world with more of his offspring as it was reported today that he’s expecting a third child with Shar Jackson. We fully expect Britney Spears to attempt suicide by the end of the day.
Britney Spears Saves Elderly Couple
While on holiday in Mexico, Britney Spears saved (yes, saved!) an elderly couple from a jellyfish-infested beach, by telling them “be careful, there are lots of Man o’ War jellyfish washing up on shore, you don’t want to get stung.”
By that same logic, I saved a friend today by telling him to watch out for the rain pouring down.
Britney Carried Out Of Hotel Covered In Vomit
Britney Spears reportedly spent Sunday night throwing up into a toilet bowl of the men’s washroom of Mondrian Hotel’s Sky Bar before being carried out covered in vomit by her bodyguard. If you’re counting, that’s another ringing endorsement for the Promises Treatment Center, following Lindsay Lohan’s debacle over the weekend.
On a side note, we’ve decided to stop referring to Spears as “pop star Britney Spears,” which we were using in previous Britney posts, to go with the more appropriate “train wreck Britney Spears” instead for future posts.
Topless Photos Of Britney Spears Surface
Three photographs showing a topless Britney Spears covering her breasts with flowers have surfaced, just hours after her surprise show. While some might consider the timing of the leak suspicious since it coincides with her comeback show, we’re more surprised that the perpetually intoxicated Spears was able to keep her balance long enough on that rock for the pictures to be taken.
Spears Returns To Stage With Surprise Show
Pop star Britney Spears took the stage on Tuesday night for a surprise comeback show at the House of Blues in San Diego. Tickets for the show, which lasted 13 minutes and consisted of Spears lip-syncing through abbreviated versions of 8 songs, set audience members back an estimated $200. Sources close to the Spears camp claim the singer has already scheduled a show for next week in which she’s expected to actually open her mouth and utter more than 10 real words.
Britney’s Comeback Concert Canceled
According to sources, Britney Spears has postponed what would’ve been a surprise comeback concert at a downtown Los Angeles nightclub this past Wednesday. When asked why the concert had been put on hold, Spears’ representatives indicated that the vocal tracks the singer was scheduled to lip-sync to had not yet been recorded.
Britney Shows Off Her New Body
Pop star Britney Spears displayed her new slimmer figure for photographers yesterday, while leaving the Millennium Dance Complex in Hollywood, proving that not only has she been practicing her dance moves but she has also been mastering the art of regurgitation.
Britney Spears To Be Released From Rehab
Reports indicate that Britney Spears will be leaving rehab this week. Sources close Spears claim that the star has completely turned her life around. In other words, she’s expected back at the Promises treatment center next week.
Britney Spears Addicted To Sugar
Birtney Spears has reportedly developed a strong addition to sugar at the Promises treatment center. Said a source close to Spears,
She has been drinking tons of Coca-Cola – about two cases a day, or 24 Cokes in 24 hours. She often drinks one after the other. She is also constantly eating lollipops and other hard candy and when she eats food, it’s always something sweet, like danishes (pastries) or donuts or cake or cookies.
We might actually get to see a Britney Spears comeback tour as envisioned by the creators of ‘Family Guy’.
Britney Spears Finds Love In Rehab
Pop star Britney Spears is said to be in love with Jason Filyaw, the 33-year-old lead guitarist of rock band Riva. Spears and Filyaw reportedly met at an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. To recap, during Spears’ stay at the Promises rehab facility, she has:
called herself the Antichrist
attempted suicide
been cured of bulimia
fallen in love again
That’s some treatment program.
Britney Spears News
Pop star Britney Spears is still in rehab.
Pamela Anderson Defends Britney
Pamela Anderson has offered her support to Britney Spears, telling the media to stop harassing the pop star while she gets her act together. Said Anderson,
“When you are scrutinized in public and judged by people who have no idea what is going on, it can be devastating. People need to be more supportive.”
The former Baywatch babe proceeded to flash her boobs to photographers and leak a second sex tape on the Internet.
K-Fed Shaves Head To Support Britney
Kevin Federline has shaved his head in an effort to support ex-wife Britney Spears during her stay in rehab. Unfortunately, Federline does not plan to further express his support by attempting suicide while calling himself the Antichrist.
Britney Spears Attempts Suicide
Pop star Britney Spears reportedly attempted to commit suicide in rehab by trying to hang herself with a bed sheet after screaming “I am the Antichrist”. A Spears publicist downplayed the report, claiming that Spears was just practicing a new stage number in response to rival Madonna’s ‘crucification’ concert spot.
