Chestnut Defeats Kobayashi
American Joey Chestnut defeated 6-time champion Takeru Kobayashi to capture the Nathan’s Famous hot dog eating contest title. Chestnut downed 66 hot dogs compared to 63 for Kobayashi, setting a new world record in the process. Not surprisingly, the record is expected to be contested by Paris Hilton who reportedly downed 68 wieners at a party last night.
Students Hand Bush Letter Urging Ban On Torture
During a meeting with a group of students from the Presidential Scholars program, President Bush was handed a letter signed by 50 of the students urging him to halt the torture of terror suspects.
Why do students hate America and freedom and probably baseball too?
Hillary Selects Celine Dion Tune As Her Campaign Song
Following a month-long web contest, the Hillary Clinton camp has selected Celine Dion’s hit “You & I” as the campaign’s official song, thereby ensuring that no man will ever vote for Hillary.
Gore Mulling Presidential Bid?
Former Vice President Al Gore hasn’t completely ruled out the possibility of inserting himself into the 2008 presidential elections, according to recent comments published in the The Tennessean. While Gore won’t divulge much of his plans, insiders believe the former VP has come up with a winning strategy currently stored in an environmentally friendly lockbox.
Hookahs As Toxic As Cigarettes
The WHO announced on Tuesday that smoking hookahs poses the same risk as smoking cigarettes, in that both will make you to die before you get old.
Climbers Remove Trash From Mount Everest
Climbers from Japan and Nepal removed about 1,000 lbs of garbage littered on Mount Everest. There’s no word yet on when the climbers themselves are to be removed from the mountain.
Wolfowitz Blames Media For Exit From World Bank
Paul Wolfowitz recently blamed the media for forcing him to resign from his post as World Bank president, after giving his girlfriend a controversial raise. In related news, Wolfowitz has scheduled a noon news conference to blame the media for the deteriorating situation in Iraq.
Madonna Writes Song For Live Earth
Madonna has written a song called “Hey You” for the Live Earth campaign and will perform it, presumably with fake British accent out in force, at London’s Live Earth concert in July. MSN plans to donate 25 cents, for each of the four people who’ll download the song on its website, to the Alliance for Climate Protection.
Bush Picks War Czar
President Bush has selected Lt. Gen. Douglas Lute to be the administration’s war czar, or person to oversee all military operations in Iraq and Afghanistan, or person to be blamed when military operations in Iraq and Afghanistan fail. Sadly, Lute will not wear one of those Russian fur hats, although he is expected to start drinking heavily pretty soon.
Jerry Falwell Dies At 73
The Rev. Jerry Falwell, died Tuesday, after being found unconscious in his Liberty “University” office. Although no cause of death has been announced so far, an autopsy is expected to show that Falwell died of complications related to God’s apparent hatred of gays. And abortion. Don’t forget abortion.
Rowling Begs People Not To Spoil New Potter Book
Author J.K. Rowling is pleading with people who have have read the upcoming and final Harry Potter book not to reveal that Harry supposedly dies before waking up and realizing that it was all just a dream.
R. Kelly Writes Song For Virginia Tech Students
Singer R. Kelly has written a song about healing called Rise Up, in the wake of the Virginia Tech shootings two weeks ago. According to sources, the entertainer had originally planned to visit the university to support the students but changed his mind and wrote a song instead upon realizing that he would only be able to score adult poontang on the college campus.
Bush Vetoes Troop Withdrawal Bill
On Tuesday evening, President Bush officially vetoed war-spending legislation calling for the start of a withdrawal of troops from Iraq. While the veto was expected, many were surprised at the amount of time it took for the decision to be announced. According to sources inside the White House, the delay was due to President Bush failing to understand that the bill did not require the signature of a man named Vito.
Richard Gere Faces Arrest In India
Arrests warrants have been issued for actors Richard Gere and Shilpa Shetty on Thursday after their kiss at a public event in India was deemed to “have transgressed all limits of vulgarity,” by Indian authorities. According to friends, when informed of the news, Gere looked like a gerbil had crawled up his ass.
Hillary Clinton’s Outfit Raises Eyebrows
Newly released photographs show presidential candidate Hillary Clinton sporting an outfit that could be described by some as “questionable”. In Clinton’s defense, the outfit was meant to highlight her education policy and featured a stop sign and flashing lights on the back.
Mourners Pay Tribute To Yeltsin
Hundreds of mourners paid tribute to former Russian President Boris Yeltsin Tuesday. According to reports, some mourners chose to bring flowers with them while others decided on a more fitting tribute to Yelstin by pouring vodka on the ground for their homie.
Boris Yeltsin, 1931-2007
Former Russian President Boris Yeltsin died Monday at the age of 76. Yeltsin, a notorious alcoholic, will be quickly buried this week, instead of receiving the customary presidential funeral process, because of fears that he might be flammable.
Bush Gives Gonzales Vote Of Confidence
In a devastating turn of events, President Bush gave Attorney General Alberto Gonzales the kiss of death, otherwise known as a strong vote of confidence. If the past is any indication, Gonzales is expected to join Brownie and Rummy at the unemployment office any day now.
Vermont Senate Calls For Bush To Be Impeached
Vermont senators called for the impeachement of President George W. Bush, or as one observer put it, “just a regular Friday in Vermont.”
NBC Criticized Over Gunman Footage
NBC News spent Thursday morning reacting to criticism that it had exploited the Virginia Tech tragedy, in an attempt to bolster ratings, by showing footage of killer Cho Seung-Hui. Among the critics are several family members of victims who reportedly pulled out of scheduled interviews with NBC following the network’s decision to air footage sent to them by the shooter. In a statement released today, NBC news claimed that it had “covered this story, and our unique role in it, with extreme sensitivity.” In related news, tune in to NBC News tonight for a tour of Cho Seung-Hui’s MySpace page and a dramatic reading of his recent instant messenger communications.
