Students Hand Bush Letter Urging Ban On Torture

During a meeting with a group of students from the Presidential Scholars program, President Bush was handed a letter signed by 50 of the students urging him to halt the torture of terror suspects.

Why do students hate America and freedom and probably baseball too?

Bush Picks War Czar

President Bush has selected Lt. Gen. Douglas Lute to be the administration’s war czar, or person to oversee all military operations in Iraq and Afghanistan, or person to be blamed when military operations in Iraq and Afghanistan fail. Sadly, Lute will not wear one of those Russian fur hats, although he is expected to start drinking heavily pretty soon.

Bush Vetoes Troop Withdrawal Bill

On Tuesday evening, President Bush officially vetoed war-spending legislation calling for the start of a withdrawal of troops from Iraq. While the veto was expected, many were surprised at the amount of time it took for the decision to be announced. According to sources inside the White House, the delay was due to President Bush failing to understand that the bill did not require the signature of a man named Vito.

Bush Gives Gonzales Vote Of Confidence

In a devastating turn of events, President Bush gave Attorney General Alberto Gonzales the kiss of death, otherwise known as a strong vote of confidence. If the past is any indication, Gonzales is expected to join Brownie and Rummy at the unemployment office any day now.

Vermont Senate Calls For Bush To Be Impeached

Vermont senators called for the impeachement of President George W. Bush, or as one observer put it, “just a regular Friday in Vermont.”

White House Loses 5 Million Emails

According to a recent report, the White House has lost 5 million emails, although to be fair, 4 million of the lost emails were penis enlargement ads.

No Plan B In Place For Iraq

During a White House meeting last week with President Bush and Marine Gen. Peter Pace, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, a group of governors came away feeling that the administration had no backup strategy, or so-called ‘Plan B’, for Iraq, in case the current strategy fails. While many question the lack of foresight on the part of the Bush administration, the Reverend Jerry Falwell lauded the White House’s position, adding that “abstinence should be the only way in the eyes of God.”

Bush Assesses Tornado Damage

President George W. Bush arrived in Alabama on Saturday to survey the damage done by a deadly tornado that hit the region two days ago. Speaking with displaced residents, Mr. Bush tried to counter the claim that the White House was late in reacting to the disaster. Said Mr Bush:

“I hope it helps for the citizens here to hear that we declared your county a white disaster area, which will provide much quicker relief efforts.”