U2 front man Bono became a knight of the British empire Thursday in a ceremony shrouded in controversy. Sources close to Bono claim that the singer showed up at the ceremony expecting nothing less than sainthood for his humanitarian work.
‘Actress’ Nicole Richie plans to release a signature scent when shooting wraps on her reality TV show ‘The Simple Life’. Insiders claim that the perfume will be modeled after the odor of a night club bathroom stall with a touch of vomit thrown in for good measure.
According to reports, actor John Travolta has often been seen wearing a black bandanna during the last few weeks, prompting speculation that he might be loosing his hair. Fortunately for Travolta, his beard has been able to withstand the grueling effects of the Hollywood press… or not.
During a recent interview, Noel Gallagher of Oasis announced that he wants to be the next British Prime Minister. The eccentric rock star has even promised to bring back hanging if elected. Political rivals are already calling Gallagher’s proposition ‘unimaginative’ with some attributing the original idea to the late Michael Hutchence.
Pop star Michael Jackson is in talks to build a 50-foot robotic replica of himself to roam the Las Vegas desert. Engineers are said to have drawn up plans for a mobile security perimeter around the robot to protect onlookers should the robot’s nose accidentally fall off. According to reports, the only issue holding back the project at the present time is the monumental cost involved in supplying the robot with a large enough umbrella to shield it from the sun.
Soccer star Mia Hamm and second baseman Nomar Garciaparra welcomed twin girls Wednesday, according to sources. Garciaparra was said to be overcome with emotion during the delivery and subsequently suffered a sprained wrist while cutting the second baby’s umbilical cord.
Actor Jeremy has been banned from Nobu restaurants after tipping the waiter with an ‘Entourage DVD’. The irate waiter reportedly threw the DVD back at Piven. As the situation escalated, the actor tried to smooth things out by offering to hug it out with the waiter but was rebuffed.
Swedish based company Oceanic-Creations plans to build floating commercial and residential buildings around the world. In related news, The Pirate Bay has launched a massive pledge drive.
San Antonio Spurs forward Robert Horry was listed as DNP (did not play) because of ‘old age’ by the official scorer of Monday’s game. In related news, Doug Christie has been permanently listed by his wife as DNP: Whipped.
EDIT: Unfortunately, the box score listing Horry as DNP: Old Age has been changed to DNP: Injury. It was fun while it lasted.
The Serbian town of Cacak plans to erect a lifesize statue of ’80s sex symbol Samantha Fox after she agreed to sing at a pop festival. The new structure is expected to replace a statue of Corey Haim erected after the former teen idol took a leak at the local McDonald’s three years ago.
Military defense lawyers at the Guantanamo Bay prison are afraid that their work on behalf of terrorism suspects might have serious repercussions on their careers. In related news, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales was scheduled to officially shoot down those rumors but had to be called back to his office for last minute paper shredding sessions.
Actor and director Mel Gibson reportedly became enraged last night on a college campus after an expert on Mayan culture accused him of portraying Mayans as bloodthirsty savages in his movie ‘Apocalypto.’ Gibson reportedly called the situation a ‘big misunderstanding’, adding that the movie was supposed to feature Jews instead but producers had difficulty rounding up enough of them in Mexico where the film was shot.
Nicole Richie has been diagnosed with the blood disorder hypoglycaemia, a condition that makes her blood sugar levels too low at times to provide an adequate amount of energy for her body. In an effort to counteract the effects of the disorder, Richie is said to have doubled her cocaine and speed intake.
NFL commissioner Roger Goodell is reportedly considering suspending troubled Tennessee Titans cornerback Adam “Pacman” Jones for the entire 2007 season. As part of the suspension, Jones would not be allowed near the Titans’ training facilities and would be shadowed at all times by four ghostlike creatures.
Yellowstone National Park grizzly bears have been removed from the endangered species list by the federal government. Unfortunately, their cousins in Memphis remain endangered and will require a lot of outside help to make the playoffs in the coming years.
UN chief Ban Ki-moon was left visibly shaken following an explosion near the building where he was giving a news conference with Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri Maliki in Baghdad. Sources close to the UN chief claim that he wasn’t frightened by the blast itself but rather by the fact that UN officials actually went near a live combat zone.
It was reported that Angelina Jolie and her newly adopted son Pax, a three-and-a-half-year-old Vietnamese orphan, posed for the Canadian edition of Hello! magazine, just two days after his adoption process had been finalized. Sources present during the shoot claim that Pax was very cooperative and got along fine with Jolie’s other fashion accessories.
Lisa Nowak, the astronaut fired by NASA after bring charged with trying to kidnap a romantic rival, has landed a new job. Nowak will reportedly develop flight lesson plans as part of her new military assignment with the Navy. There’s no word yet on whether the use of adult diapers will be included in the curriculum .
Reports indicate that Britney Spears will be leaving rehab this week. Sources close Spears claim that the star has completely turned her life around. In other words, she’s expected back at the Promises treatment center next week.