Why do students hate America and freedom and probably baseball too?
Former Vice President Al Gore hasn’t completely ruled out the possibility of inserting himself into the 2008 presidential elections, according to recent comments published in the The Tennessean. While Gore won’t divulge much of his plans, insiders believe the former VP has come up with a winning strategy currently stored in an environmentally friendly lockbox.
Paul Wolfowitz recently blamed the media for forcing him to resign from his post as World Bank president, after giving his girlfriend a controversial raise. In related news, Wolfowitz has scheduled a noon news conference to blame the media for the deteriorating situation in Iraq.
President Bush has selected Lt. Gen. Douglas Lute to be the administration’s war czar, or person to oversee all military operations in Iraq and Afghanistan, or person to be blamed when military operations in Iraq and Afghanistan fail. Sadly, Lute will not wear one of those Russian fur hats, although he is expected to start drinking heavily pretty soon.
The Rev. Jerry Falwell, died Tuesday, after being found unconscious in his Liberty “University” office. Although no cause of death has been announced so far, an autopsy is expected to show that Falwell died of complications related to God’s apparent hatred of gays. And abortion. Don’t forget abortion.
On Tuesday evening, President Bush officially vetoed war-spending legislation calling for the start of a withdrawal of troops from Iraq. While the veto was expected, many were surprised at the amount of time it took for the decision to be announced. According to sources inside the White House, the delay was due to President Bush failing to understand that the bill did not require the signature of a man named Vito.
Newly released photographs show presidential candidate Hillary Clinton sporting an outfit that could be described by some as “questionable”. In Clinton’s defense, the outfit was meant to highlight her education policy and featured a stop sign and flashing lights on the back.
Hundreds of mourners paid tribute to former Russian President Boris Yeltsin Tuesday. According to reports, some mourners chose to bring flowers with them while others decided on a more fitting tribute to Yelstin by pouring vodka on the ground for their homie.
Former Russian President Boris Yeltsin died Monday at the age of 76. Yeltsin, a notorious alcoholic, will be quickly buried this week, instead of receiving the customary presidential funeral process, because of fears that he might be flammable.
In a devastating turn of events, President Bush gave Attorney General Alberto Gonzales the kiss of death, otherwise known as a strong vote of confidence. If the past is any indication, Gonzales is expected to join Brownie and Rummy at the unemployment office any day now.
Financial documents revealed on Tuesday that presidential candidate John Edwards received two haircuts that cost $400 a piece. Related documents also show that Hillary Clinton spends upwards of $5000 on her haircuts, with most of that cost covering insurance policies of specially trained snake handlers.
Legendary singer Don Ho, known for the hit ‘Tiny Bubbles’, died on Saturday. He was 76. According to Al Sharpton, the cause of death was racism.
In comments published on Friday, Russian billionaire Boris Berezovsky told the Guardian that he is planning a revolution that will violently topple Russia’s current president Vladimir Putin. Sources close to Putin are also said to be planning something. According to an informant inside the Kremlin, Putin’s aides are reportedly digging a grave with Berezovsky’s name on it that will contain the billionaire once he accidentally dies of poisoning next month.
According to a recent report, the White House has lost 5 million emails, although to be fair, 4 million of the lost emails were penis enlargement ads.
Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton plans to visit Rutgers University on Monday and meet with the women’s basketball team at the center of the Don Imus scandal, although insiders do caution that Clinton’s trip might be called off should polls show that Americans have stopped caring about the basketball team. Campaign workers were reportedly also heard commenting on the distinct possibility of Clinton meeting and defending Don Imus, should polls prove that Americans sympathize with him in the wake of his firing from CBS Radio.
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced the surprise release of 15 captive British sailors Wednesday as part of what he called an Easter gift. Observers from around the world hailed the move not only as a smart compromise but also as an interesting gift giving strategy whereby a person can steal another’s possessions and then return them as gifts.
A sculpture created by a 24-year-old college student, depicting Barack Obama as Jesus, is causing quite a stir in Illinois. While some religious groups have come out against the portrayal of Obama as Jesus, most are simply pointing out the major inaccuracy in the artwork: the absence of photographers and microphones around the presidential candidate’s likeness.
Military defense lawyers at the Guantanamo Bay prison are afraid that their work on behalf of terrorism suspects might have serious repercussions on their careers. In related news, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales was scheduled to officially shoot down those rumors but had to be called back to his office for last minute paper shredding sessions.