Paris Hilton Comments On Adoption Rumor

Paris Hilton shot down a story claiming she was planning to adopt four blond babies, calling the rumor “retarded,” because, obviously baby adoption is like so last year.

Chestnut Defeats Kobayashi

American Joey Chestnut defeated 6-time champion Takeru Kobayashi to capture the Nathan’s Famous hot dog eating contest title. Chestnut downed 66 hot dogs compared to 63 for Kobayashi, setting a new world record in the process. Not surprisingly, the record is expected to be contested by Paris Hilton who reportedly downed 68 wieners at a party last night.

Paris Hilton Dumped By Talent Agency

Paris Hilton was dumped over the weekend by her talent agency, Endeavor, when said agency finally realized that Hilton had no actual marketable talent.

Paris Hilton Sent Back To Jail

The never-ending saga of Paris Hilton took another turn Friday as she was ordered back to Lynwood prison to serve the remainder of her sentence. According to reports, a sobbing Hilton was physically escorted out of the courtroom after the decision was announced. Hilton reportedly yelled out “mom, mom, mom,” while being taken away. Unfortunately, none of the inmates will get to serve as Hilton’s surrogate mother while she’s incarcerated.

Paris Hilton Released From Jail

Paris Hilton was released from jail early Thursday, almost three weeks ahead of schedule, because of medical considerations, after prison officials realized that, despite being in solitary confinement, her various STDs breached the security perimeter and made contact with other prisoners.. Hilton will spend the next 40 days serving the rest her original sentence under house arrest while wearing a Versace monitoring bracelet. In related news, Hilton’s prison memoirs will be replaced by a post-it detailing her excruciating stay among regular human beings.

Paris Hilton To Release Prison Memoirs

Paris Hilton plans to release a diary of the 23 days she’ll serve next month in jail. Unfortunately for Hilton, Blackberries are not allowed in prison which means that she’ll have to lower herself to using that thing with ink coming out of it.

Paris Hilton To Spend 23 days in Special Needs Prison

Paris Hilton‘s jail sentence has been shortened from 45 to 23 days for good behavior. Hilton will be kept away from regular inmates and will do her time in the special needs housing unit at the Century Regional Detention Center, in an effort to minimize the exposure of the general prison population to her STD rainbow.

Paris Hilton Goes To Church?

In an attempt to soften her image to avoid jail time, Paris Hilton attended church this weekend. According to onlookers, as Hilton entered the church, the holy water started boiling.

Paris Hilton Petitions Battle It Out

Petitions to pardon and to jail Paris Hilton have appeared on the web, with the “Free Paris Hilton” petition showing 20,000 signatures while the “Jail Paris Hilton” petition currently features over 40,000 signatures. If it’s any consolation to Hilton, 60,000 people do care enough about her to sign an online petition, which is 59,999 more than those who took the time to sign the “Feed Nicole Richie” petition.

AP Entertainment Editor Bans Paris Hilton

The AP’s entertainment editor Jesse Washington sent a memo to staffers last week saying that, barring any major events, the AP would not run any mention of Paris Hilton on the wire. Sources close to Hilton claim that the hotel heiress will still crash the AP Wire, as she does with all big Hollywood parties for which she’s never invited.